Zen Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.  Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.  Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.  In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air.  It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique.  Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women.  Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

This is gold. Hope you get a laugh*.

*
When girls don't put out!!*

*This was written by a guy.....it's pretty damn smart.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their
heart....

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,
the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it,
I
just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear....*

*'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for
who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond
earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I
was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me
because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis.....

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was
almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling
with
excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's
go
to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel
like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
'Why
can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.......but at least she knows
I'm smarter than her!!!*